Doc, There's A Hole Where Something Was
by Ashimattack
Summary: The day that the teacher rushed into my classroom, franticly calling my name, was the day I stopped believing in magic.


**somehow this started off happyish and ended up totally depressing**

**anyways the origional happything was inspired by the song 'everything's magic - angels and airwaves' if you havent heard it i strongly suggest you do**

**but yeah I added some more parts to it**

**now it's depressing and.. well it's pretty much Tohru underneath it all..**

**there's also a lot of jumping, and short paragraphs that arent really paragraphs**

**ill shut up now**

**totally inacurate and very OOC enjoy...**

**(;;)**

The day that the teacher rushed into my classroom, franticly calling my name, was the day I stopped believing in magic.

At the time I wandered what he wanted as all around me kids were probably figuring it out already, I never was that bright.

The guy took me into a small room and tried to break it to me gently, they asked me if I had someone I could stay with and all of the other normal things.

But I wasn't really listening, my heart stopped as soon as they said her name.

I knew that from then on, I was on my own.

(;;)

When I was eight years old I had a lot of nightmares, mostly about my dad.

I would wake up panting in a cold sweat, nights in a row.

Mum had always told me that if I had a nightmare to come wake her up, but this was the fourth night in a row and she seemed tired. So I decided I had to be brave and wait it out.

I knew I could never be upset, I had magic on my side.

I lay there awake until I eventually cried myself to sleep.

(;;)

After the day that the teacher came running into my classroom I had a few days off before I decided I had to go back to school, mum would have wanted it.

My first day back was terrifying; everyone was staring at me and whispering behind their hands. I tried to ignore them but it was really hard without magic, Hana and Uo were there but something was off with them.

They were as much friends to my mum as they are to me, so I guess they were just grieving. But they really were acting strange.

A girl came up and said something, so Uo chased her down the hall and Hana actually electrocuted her, which she always threatens to do but never actually does.

Something here wasn't right

(;;)

I wasn't in a good mood and Kyo could tell

_What's wrong?_

_I feel like... maybe I'm missing... _I caught his expression and decided not to go on

_Maybe we can cook something?_

_You want me to help you cook something?_

_Yeah that'd be great!_

_Why? My cooking sucks compaired to yours..._

_Ok well maybe you could keep me company? What do we want to make?_

_I dunno you're asking me? Maybe some cooki... some biscuits?_

I don't know why I got upset over that.

The way he needed to sound manly

Guess I thought I knew him better

Guess I was wrong.

(;;)

Me and Shigure were walking back from the shops but I wasn't really there, I kept walking into things until Shigure insisted on holding my hand. Yuki and Kyo weren't there to 'tell him off' so I let him, besides he was only worried.

When we got back I inspected my hands, they looked so small and...

dirty.

They were covered in blemishes and imperfections, how could Shigure stand to hold them?

I rushed to the bathroom and scrubbed furiously, I either didn't notice when they started bleeding or I just didn't care.

I just had to get them clean!

_Tohru, what happened to your hands?_

_Oh? I just tripped... grazed them badly I'm such a clutz..._

He helped me patch them up so now they were covered in bandages but at least I couldn't see them.

They still felt dirty

(;;)

I stopped biting my nails when I was 11 years old

I was really determined to do it by myself, but it just didn't work. So Mum bought me some stop-nail-biting stuff which tasted really gross, but it did work.

Like magic

I tried to find some in the supermarket but there just didn't seem to be any.

I was agitated and rushed and people were noticing.

_Miss Honda? Are you okay?_

_I'm fine._

I answered without thinking and he left after giving me a disbelieving look

I found myself staring at my nails, which were almost chewed to the skin

(;;)

I found myself sitting in class trying desperatly to finish a test but was unable to.

Has the clock always been this loud?

It's ticking was a major distraction but I knew I had to ignore it and finish my test.

think think think

Who started world war two? wait wasn't it that guy...

_tick tick tick_

My distraction was proved when we got the marks back

_I'm sorry Miss Honda, you got a failing grade and need to take a retest_

_You failed? But you were studying so hard!_

_Oh well I'll just make up for it on the retest!_

That night I made myself late for work because I stayed back until the teacher left the classroom, then I removed the batteries from the clock

(;;)

_Hey Tohru, do you want to hang out after school?_

_Sorry Uo, I have to work_

_Oh that's too bad! You seem to be working a lot harder lately..._

_Yeah well I guess I'm just really dedicated.. Hahah anyway see you tomorrow_

I had said it without thinking.

I guess deep down a part of me wanted to go.

But I guess that higher up a part of me didn't.

What was the point of friends if you didn't have magic?

I silently walked to a deserted house and made myself some dinner.

(;;)

Me and Hana were walking in the park, we'd been hanging out since school ended and we had gotten kind of bored.

Well I had.

Hana doesn't say much so I guess we needed Uo, but she couldn't come.

Hana may be psychic but Uo was closer to being magic

_Hana! There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere! Why didn't you come to work? We needed you at the store! I told you that this morning!_

It was Hana's boss; I didn't realize she needed to work today.

_I'm sorry. I didn't want to leave my friend alone. My other friend was busy_

_Well get to the store now!_

Hana's boss would have to be the only person I know (other than me and Uo) who isn't scared of her.

_I guess I have to go. Good bye sweet Tohru. You'll have to call Kyo or Yuki or someone to walk you home_

I would have said good bye but I was busy hiding my anger.

Why did I need someone with me?

Couldn't I walk back on my own?

Just because I didn't have magic doesn't mean I couldn't be left alone, didn't mean I wouldn't be ok

I started stomping back once she'd left but fell flat of my face.

I lay there for a while, fighting back tears.

Guess I did need magic

(;;)

I sat in silence while he spoke to me.

I wasn't really taking it all in, but I listened to his questions

_Any old habits come back? Something you haven't done in years... getting upset over small things? Avoiding people?_

Shigure had found me, lying in the park desperatly trying not to cry.

He had decided I needed to see a doctor and Hatori happened to be nearby.

I tried to answer as truthfully as possible but I guess it's hard

_Depression_

It felt strange hearing him say it.

It was confirmed now.

But I still didn't want to bother anyone

_I'll be fine_

_No you won't_

I guess that's when it really hit hard

My magic wasn't going to come back

(;;)

I hadn't dreamt of my father since I was eight, so it seemed strange that the dream would return when I was 17. I wanted to see my mum but I knew she wasn't there and I couldn't bother Kyo or Yuki of Shigure.

I tried to go back to sleep but it didn't seem to work.

Not without magic

I decided to go sit on the roof but to my surprise Kyo was already there.

He seemed surprised to see me too.

_Sorry, am I being too loud?'_

He must have thought he had woken me up

_Oh no definitely not! I didn't know you were up here I just..._

_Couldn't sleep? Me neither._

We sat there in silence for a while until I suddenly lost it.

My heart was beating so hard, my breaths were coming out in rasps.

_Wha? Are you okay!_

I tried to say I was fine but what came out were drops of tears. I let them flow freely and hung my head low, hoping he wouldn't see and worry even more.

He seemed to have noticed but had no idea what to do, so he did the only thing he could think of. He walked closer to me and wrapped his arms around me, then crawled into my lap.

I don't know how long it took before the tears stopped, but I sat there cradling the orange cat in my lap until they did.

'Thank you'

(;;)

The next day me and Yuki were working in the garden but I kept zoning out.

_Are you okay?_

I thought about the night before and decided that Kyo wasn't really the person to talk to when I wanted someone to listen. But maybe Yuki was.

_Yeah I'm fine I was just thinking... I... I think I'm ready to believe in magic again_

I begged for him to understand as he waited for me to continue, when he realized I wasn't going to he searched for something to say.

_Uh... time appears to have slipped by us. Would you like to go back?_

None of us made any movement to leave so we stayed there in silence until the sun finished going down and in the pale twilight we searched for stars

-_  
just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight  
prepare for the best and the fastest ride  
just reach out your hand and I'll make you mine  
everything, everything's magic_


End file.
